...of the last month in which I will be in Kurdistan. That is a strange realization, and I feel as though I am looking at the world around me with new eyes. When you are somewhere for a set period of time, like this year, life seems to run a little faster on its way. What you consider constructive and time worthy is refined, and even the letters that I can't read on street signs seem to hold a little more meaning than stating what is nearby. They are an experience that I may never have again, the people I come into contact with are not guaranteed tomorrow, neither am I, no matter whether I am in the streets of Iraq, a place flying over the ocean, or a Starbucks down the street.
I have just finished up a cup of tea (Starbucks Organic Chai with cream and sugar), a brochure for my long distance job and am listening to the soundtracks of The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford and The Fountain as I type. I think its Robert, not entirely sure on the name. I have never seen the movie, but the music is haunting. I think that is part of the reason I am in a reflective mood. Yesterday was my cleaning house day, and with the amount of leftovers we are receiving while a team from Salem, Massachusetts is here, cooking is not going to be required for a couple of days. So today I am left with the computer work, blogging, email writing, etc. (along with a couple other important things I just completed, such as finishing [finally] season 5 of LOST).
When arriving back in the States I know I am going to hear a lot of “What did you learn?”, “What were the best experiences?” and “What was the hardest thing you encountered?”, so I decided to get a head start on that. I'm not sure all that I learned, I think that some things start changing you and you may not realize it for another year or so, or until some one takes a step back, nods their head murmuring “my how you have changed”. I've become a more sedate person, a little more comfortable in my own skin, more comfortable with being alone, relishing it even. I still consider myself an extrovert, but I suppose this is me aging or something. It doesn't stop me from loving to be with people, or pulling off the random crazy inclination such as stuffing myself into an empty Coke vending machine, but I think I am a bit more focused.
I see flaws in myself a little more vividly. I am a selfish person, I like to be right, and I do not like commitment. I have often covered it up with caution, deciding that I should wait for something that I was sure about, but instead I have realized that I have passed up many opportunities that way, but all things work toward the good of those that love Him so I work on not crying over spilt koolaid. We don't always want our good, but if we spend any amount of time pursuing God he is bound to rearrange things.
My best experiences? Loving people even when I didn't care too. Despite the language barrier, the culture barrier, and whatever reasons a team of tired people can come up with to lay low, loving people is worth it. I am not coming home with a throng of Kurdish friends, but I have a handful of people that I have grown to know, to be able to read their faces and them, mine. I am satisfied with that. I have three more weeks here, and want to leave with the full reassurance that they know in Him whom I believe. Maybe someday, ensh'allah, they will believe in Him too.
The hardest thing? When people think of Iraq I'm pretty sure that they don't picture the quiet streets that children play in or the smiling groups of gossiping women that wave and toss into the air the few words of English that they know, to which I jumble back the Kurdish that has managed to stick in my head. Yes, there have been scares and tense moments, and the restrictions placed on single women has at some points brought me to tears, but I can't complain. I have never feared for my life, and the fact that I am American has always brought about “bahairbay's” (welcome) rather than the hateful stares featured on the news. I think the biggest problem is just getting over myself. The quicker you kill off your expectations, agenda, and desire to control, well then, the sooner you will settle right in. This is especially important when working with a team who themselves are finding their feet.
Coming back is going to be hard. In part because of the people I will miss, but there is something about returning to “every day” life is quite daunting. Finding a job, adapting again to a culture and relating to many people who I have known as long over Facebook chat as in “real life” is scary, in ways, more scary than coming over here. That sounds weird, but that is the way my mind and heart is working at the moment. Still waiting on what is going to happen when I get back, though my choices are being narrowed down, but it is an adventure, is it not? So, as my french mother once said, and I am sure I have quoted before “I am resting.”
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